Why do I even bother?
-I'm warning you in advance, this entry is full of crap and cussing, if you don't want any of that.. close this window and go surf the net for something else-
I try my best to get high grades, work my ass off over projects, make sure I get to pass assignments, all the things I'm doing now, I never did back in high school. I do all that crap because I thought I was going to prove something to my parents by doing so, so far my grades are all good, my lowest grade is 2 (around 84 or something) and my highest grade can go as high as 3.5 to 4 (88-90+) I thought, "When my parents see this, they'll finally know that I'm not slacking off like before!" BUT WTF DO I GET?
When I work late JUST to get a project or assignment done.. my dad SCOLDS me, he tells me that I should stop using the fucking computer and go to sleep because I'm not doing ANYTHING IMPORTANT, and usually I get home around 8pm -30mins-1hr when it comes to dinner, then my dad asks me to go to bed around 9-10pm, tangina! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANYTHING DONE? I won't be able to finish one fucking assignment within that time! how much more for a project? or a research due THE NEXT DAY?!
I'm even going to take an entrance exam at DLSU, but I wish I wont pass.. weird right? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FRIGGIN TRANSFER SCHOOLS ANYMORE! >.<; they're even asking me to get a course I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY INTEREST IN.. POTA! I don't even know WHYYYYYYYY I had gone through with it, and convinced a classmate of mine to change reporting schedules with me (my schedule for reporting landed on the same day of the entrance exam for transferees /swt) I'm even going to have 1 absence in my classes that day, I'm going to waste that .5 that one of my profs will give to our class (in the final grade mind you) if we don't have any absences in her class >_<
But to be completely honest, I don't even know what I want to do when I graduate.. I don't have any expertise.. I'm not good at anything (maybe except for playing fucking games) and ranting for daaaaaaaysss and dayyyysssssssssssssssss. Reason why I don't know what course I want to get for college and ended up in BSBA Computer Applications, I know it requires programming, but I really suck at programming, sure I get all those codes and stuff.. but I don't really know how anything really works, NOR can I think of any possible solution for a problem given (had those kind of hands-on works back in high school) why? BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING!
Hay, I don't even know why I'm even alive, I don't have any plans -any goals or dreams in life, I only go with the flow without knowing anything really -I'm one really stupid person with no direction whatsoever in life and that life is so fucked up.
Last night was another night I had to spend crying my heart out and felt so alone, yet again.
I try my best to get high grades, work my ass off over projects, make sure I get to pass assignments, all the things I'm doing now, I never did back in high school. I do all that crap because I thought I was going to prove something to my parents by doing so, so far my grades are all good, my lowest grade is 2 (around 84 or something) and my highest grade can go as high as 3.5 to 4 (88-90+) I thought, "When my parents see this, they'll finally know that I'm not slacking off like before!" BUT WTF DO I GET?
When I work late JUST to get a project or assignment done.. my dad SCOLDS me, he tells me that I should stop using the fucking computer and go to sleep because I'm not doing ANYTHING IMPORTANT, and usually I get home around 8pm -30mins-1hr when it comes to dinner, then my dad asks me to go to bed around 9-10pm, tangina! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANYTHING DONE? I won't be able to finish one fucking assignment within that time! how much more for a project? or a research due THE NEXT DAY?!
I'm even going to take an entrance exam at DLSU, but I wish I wont pass.. weird right? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FRIGGIN TRANSFER SCHOOLS ANYMORE! >.<; they're even asking me to get a course I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY INTEREST IN.. POTA! I don't even know WHYYYYYYYY I had gone through with it, and convinced a classmate of mine to change reporting schedules with me (my schedule for reporting landed on the same day of the entrance exam for transferees /swt) I'm even going to have 1 absence in my classes that day, I'm going to waste that .5 that one of my profs will give to our class (in the final grade mind you) if we don't have any absences in her class >_<
But to be completely honest, I don't even know what I want to do when I graduate.. I don't have any expertise.. I'm not good at anything (maybe except for playing fucking games) and ranting for daaaaaaaysss and dayyyysssssssssssssssss. Reason why I don't know what course I want to get for college and ended up in BSBA Computer Applications, I know it requires programming, but I really suck at programming, sure I get all those codes and stuff.. but I don't really know how anything really works, NOR can I think of any possible solution for a problem given (had those kind of hands-on works back in high school) why? BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING!
Hay, I don't even know why I'm even alive, I don't have any plans -any goals or dreams in life, I only go with the flow without knowing anything really -I'm one really stupid person with no direction whatsoever in life and that life is so fucked up.
Last night was another night I had to spend crying my heart out and felt so alone, yet again.
posted by Mitski @ 7:01 AM
4 Comments:
At 3:47 PM, December 02, 2005,
Mekhet said…
welcome to the human condition!
At 11:09 PM, December 02, 2005,
Anonymous said…
Ei sis... *hugs* okay lang yan.. to let it all out. Kasi when we bottle up our emotions... we're only causing more harm on ourselves.
Hrm.. alam mo.. I feel that way din. Na parang... I really have no purpose. Oo, I've decided what course to take since highschool.. pero it was mostly coz I knew na.. sa pagbake lang talaga ako.. tapos after that, the interest grew in me na rin.
Even if I'm in a course I love now.. mahirap eh, esp. if you see people who graduated from the same course, and they share what they've learned and experienced.. it's intimidating.. kasi it makes you ask yourself, "ako kaya? kaya ko bang maging ganyan?" and sometimes its depressing..
My dad gets to be like that din.. when I just started college, ganyan siya.. pero as time went by, I got more stubborn eh, and would stay in front of the comp. Tapos I'd show him the work- "O, ayan. If I didn't make this now, I'd fail."
He's stopped na since then.
Also, I think it's a good time to say this... binibigyan tayo ng direksyon ng Diyos. It's true. Yung bang, kahit walang-wala ka na.. feel mo... hopeless ka na talaga.. binibigyan ka Niya ng chance. 'Pag inaccept mo si Christ, sobra... fulfilling eh.
Try mo rin kaya sabihin sa Kanya yung mga kinagagalitan mo..? Not in a rude or forceful way.. yung bang.. when you ask for solace from a friend? Ganoon.. nakikita ka Niya at nalulungkot kasi nga.. nagkakaganyan ka.. tapos daw 'pag tinatawag mo Siya.. para kang galit sa Kanya... Try mo kayang kausapin siya calmly? And believe na... He will make things better.
Trust me sis, with Him... lahat2x kaya. ^_^ *hugs you tight*
At 2:02 PM, December 09, 2005,
kelvs said…
yes mekhet's right.
life's a bitch and then you die.
At 5:14 AM, December 25, 2005,
Bryce said…
eh? galing ba sa song yang line na yan?
Anyway, lam mo, parang ganyan din ako nung nag aaral pa ako. Di ko alam kung ano mangyayari saken pag graduate ko. Iniisip ko baka padala din ako sa Japan just like my brothers and sister.
I stopped coming to school. I needed some time to think about what I really want. Tapos, I decided If I can get a job, I will grab it, then think about school later.
Ngayon, I'm very happy with my job n_n
Kaya mo yan Kim!
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